the struggle continues

I dunno. I've painted myself into a really tight corner. I am enjoying the education, but I'm still unable to earn enough to live. I have no idea how to proceed. The rideshare laws are getting stricter, and I'll soon be required to spend even more than the current $380 a month for car insurance. I'm afraid of losing my car and being evicted, but those possibilities seem to be getting closer than they've ever been before. I have no one to ask for help, even if I could somehow find the nerve to do it.

My credit score has plummeted over the past couple of months from maxing out my cards, so I can't even apply for a student loan. I've been eating GMO groceries for a while, but now I'm even shopping according to what's on sale. I never imagined my adult life so desperate. Being a fast learner really hasn't helped me much. Sure, I'm doing well in school, but my life outside of that is just sad.

I feel myself being pulled down into a very dark place. I can't talk to anyone about it. I know that's a bad sign, but I feel powerless to do anything about it. I've made a royal mess of things and left myself no escape. I've stopped writing. It hurts too much. 

I only continue clawing at this brick wall to avoid breaking my mother's heart, and yet I have absolutely no desire to return to her and my brother. - my childhood tormenters. There's nothing back there for me. There's nothing here for me. My one joy is school and the potential future that I am clutching with all my strength. I just need a way to survive through this education. It's so expensive, and I am not earning nearly enough sustain it. I am playing the lottery religiously. I buy one ticket for each drawing, a total of $8 per week. I need a fucking miracle. I need it now.

I have a lot of necessary expenses coming up: car registration, tuition payment, taxes. I'm about three weeks from fantasizing about suicide. I wish that was an exaggeration.

I hope my next entry is happier and soon.