Tuesday, July 24, 2012

walking in the realm of fear

Today during lunch I watched Iyanla and Tony.  They didn’t have to share the spotlight this time.  These people are so much better solo.
Anyway, today’s message to me is to be courageous. 
Iyanla said that she created a vision for the direction of her life, and where she ended up was better than anything she could have imagined.  The first step is creating the vision to move you forward, out of the box.  You have to keep the vision as you would a fetus (you are pregnant with vision), taking great care with it and keeping it safe and healthy.  You can’t tell everyone about your vision.  You can’t ignore when you feel that your vision is being harmed by your behavior.
Tony, on the other hand, went about it the enthusiastic way.  Get up, get physical!  Change your posture and position.  Use the physiology of emotion in your favor.  You need 3 things to succeed: strategy (the right method of achieving your goal), Story (create your own story that helps you instead of hindering you) and state (change your perspective and outlook).
Everyone has fear.  Instead of using the fear to make excuses not to take risks, take risks that, regardless of the outcome, will enhance your life experience.  Even if you fail, you will be enriched.  So, what this means to me is that I’m back to writing as revelation.  Yes, it’s uncomfortable.  No, it doesn’t matter if I sell a book.  Yes, it will make me happy.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

something else beyond my control

I attended a friend’s wedding recently.  I arrived late and missed the 20-minute ceremony.  I parked my car near where Twin Peaks and I were supposed to meet prior to driving to the wedding location and waited. At that point, the only way we could possibly be on time is if she was already there.  She was delayed an additional 15 or so minutes with an over-cautious bus driver.  I wasn’t angry; I'd spent my waiting time quelling my irritation before she showed up. 
We got there just in time for the photos.  At the reception, there was an older gentleman at our table with his three friends.  Not only had I forgotten that he was the speaker who made a moving presentation at our office about gratefulness several weeks prior, but I was also unaware that he performed the wedding ceremony.  He found the way I spoke with casual familiarity with everyone at the table extremely offensive.  That became apparent when I swore in the middle of a funny story.  I apologized when I saw his face all scrunched up, but he countered with, “You’re not sorry.”  When I didn't respond, he repeated himself.  For the rest of the time we were there, I ignored him.  I do realize that I would also be offended if someone didn’t recognize me as an important player at an event, but at that point there was no remedying the situation anyway.  I couldn't think of anything to say that would remedy the situation.  In my experience, anything you say will just lead into an argument when you're talking to someone who doesn't like you.
Since that day, it stands out in my mind.  I’m disappointed by how it overshadows the joy of my friends’ union in my memory.  If I do see him again I can apologize again (although I doubt that it would make any difference), but right now I need to let go of the negative emotions associated with that experience.  I can’t change what a person thinks of me nor should I concern myself with doing so.  After all it’s their choice, not mine.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Observing Life

It never ceases to amaze me how much double-standard behavior goes on in daily life. Everyone wants to be handled with kid gloves but they don’t use that same consideration for others. Let’s take telling the truth for instance; everyone says they want you to tell the truth but when you do they act like you’ve just spit on them. Even if what you said is completely neutral and just stating facts, they feel as though it was a personal attack and react emotionally. I do it occasionally, and I did it all the time when I was younger. It confuses me when people I consider logical and emotionally intelligent have this reaction. I obsess about it for days, wondering whether or not I meant anything by it. I run through it over and over. Was there a better way to say it? Should I have just said what they needed to hear? Did I know what that was at the time? Was I insensitive? It usually ends there. Of course I was insensitive. Everyone is on occasion, and that has been a common complaint about me for years. After I’ve gone through this process, I often find myself having learned nothing more than patience. Patience is the one thing most lacking in my life. It’s funny how you receive the things you’ve asked for.


I find comfort in old songs and sayings I’d forgotten – coming in contact with something that hasn’t changed is surprisingly calming. I’ve also reconnected with dear friends from the past. Although I am seemingly always unsure of what’s on the horizon or even my own mood from day to day, I wouldn’t describe this phase as a struggle. When I filled my days with anxiety and my nights with sensation-seeking, I had so much to talk about and a ridiculously tight schedule (not to mention Plans B and C and so on). My life now looks boring in comparison, but I don’t feel bored at all. There are subtleties that I never noticed before.