funky attitude

I’ve been convinced not to give away my Nike entry. I just have to tough it out and deal with the punishment. That’s really what it is right now, self-inflicted.


I’m in a blue place right now. I won’t say it’s dark exactly because I have been particularly focused and motivated at work. I’ve also started reading again, which always improves my mood. I’ve discovered the endless supply of free ebooks online, and I’m excited about finishing the one I’m currently reading so I can browse for the next one. I need to make more time to read. I considered riding public transit for that purpose only. I’m still mulling it over.

The main issue that is depressing to me is my fitness level right now. I still wear the same clothes, but they look awful on me. My body is reshaping itself in a manner that I find very unattractive. It’s making me uncomfortable in my skin. I have no confidence in my interactions with the opposite sex because I shrink away from anyone looking at me. I wonder if obese people feel the same way. However, I am NOT curious enough to experience it firsthand. I’m hoping this energy slump from the detox diet wears off by Saturday morning. I’m riding my bike to 24 Hour Fitness for Turbo Kick and Yoga. I’m hoping to push myself to go to Zumba and Step the next morning as well.

Thank goodness for my 24 membership – I can go there and reclaim my body in anonymity. I used a lot of 24 treadmill time to build up to my first constant mile back when I picked up running for the first time as an adult about 5 years ago. It doesn’t matter how out of shape you are because there is such a huge range of fitness levels there. Also, nobody cares what the hell you are doing. Here, in our office gym, everyone is so interested in what is going on. Don’t get me wrong, that is exactly why I love it here. I’m just not in the frame of mind to share this part of my journey with someone.

I have a groupon thingy for a yoga studio near here too. That will keep me from injuring myself. I’m going today. That will definitely help my mood. It won’t do jack shit for my body image, but such is life, eh?

I am only a human being

I still haven’t begun training for the Nike Marathon. I have eight weeks. I am so screwed. I’ve fallen further down into the depths of couch potato-ism than I’ve been in a very long time. I was probably around 19 or 20 years old. I’ve been in complete denial about the whole thing. For some reason I still thought I had 12 weeks left. No, Hester, you have two months not three. I’m not going to be able to run this whole thing. Finishing it is now the big challenge.  I sitll don't feel motivated to train.  I htink I need to give away my entry.  SOmeone told me to sell it, but I think that's probably breaking some rule.  I am not looking to get my money back anyway.  I just want the entry to be used because they are so hard to get.


I’m not sure what my issue is exactly. I haven’t wanted to train after falling ill just before the Mt. Shasta climb. I was beaten in every way possible: physically, mentally and emotionally. It was a very dark time for me. I just haven’t come back from it yet. I don’t understand why.