Change Clothes

So I’ve finally gone and done it. It was coming, and everyone knew. Secret Squirrel was not angry, nor was he surprised. I told him last week that I’d met someone of interest the week prior. I told him today that I wanted to end my involvement with him so I can feel comfortable moving into something new with this person of interest. He took it well. He encouraged me to look into this new thing that could possibly be developing. He even said that he wanted to remain friends. I told him that I’m still game to have him kick my ass in pool once in a while and stay on speed dial as my designated driver (that is, if he doesn’t mind). He is my only friend who doesn’t drink or smoke pot. Hmmm. Can I call him a friend or must he be classified as an ex?

Reinvention

I'm bored. This happens regularly, but right now is the boredom in the deepest part of me. This is the time to start something brand new. I (and I'm sure others too) usually assume that new love is the cure to what ails me. However, since the Thailand trip, I've reconsidered. I am in dire need of a meditation practice. Some daily yoga wouldn't hurt either. Every once in a while you just need a little soul refresher.
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Reality Check

I have to keep telling myself not to take things personally today. All the way to work, people were riding my bumper in traffic. Since when does that make traffic go any faster? Then there are the parties I am not invited to…maybe if I took the time to visit (or at least call) people I would get the invites. I have my nerve! To top it off, there are the ‘too cool’ people. They’re the ones that never want to hang out but always seem to find their way into every conversation you have with someone else. I mean, you’re not my friend so why are you always butting into my conversations? Then I have to realize that these people are having some sort of internal issue. It’s not all about me. This is not The Hester Show.

where is my focus?

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to trick myself into being good. I have these grand ideas of things I want to achieve, but I am so easily distracted by…ooo shiny…what? Anyway, I just said yesterday that I wanted to be bare-midriff ready (and I mean truly ready, not like these people who go outside looking like they have lost their damn minds) by the first week of August, and here I am eating some damn Ben & Jerry’s. UGH! I am annoying myself!

I slept badly last night. I’m starting to realize that it may not actually be the boy that is the problem here. His bed is too firm for my taste and the bedclothes are scratchy. The temperature was weird last night too. I may be fighting off a cold because I'd be sweating and overheated one minute and freezing the next. I just couldn’t get comfortable all night – after being sleepless until 1AM. Those five and a half crappy hours of fitful sleep did nothing for this day in the office. I binged all day on crap. I bought this family size bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos and now they are screaming my name from the file drawer behind me.

This is crazy. I’m going running.

ramblings

I decided that I’m going to make a real effort to slim down. Since the Thailand trip, it’s only been a maintenance thing. I’ve kept the ten pounds off, and I’m teetering back and forth within a three pound window. I’m eating whatever I want and sweating it off in the gym or dancing. This is a sustainable lifestyle for me. Gradually, over the past few weeks, I’ve been incorporating more weight training. I got a little full of myself last week though. I hit the arms hard on Thursday and couldn’t straighten them all weekend. They’re still sore today. They hurt so bad Friday night that I couldn’t sleep.


I think it’s already making a difference. You know how when you start a new fitness regimen, you see results quickly at first? Well, I think that is what’s happening right now. As for the effect it has had on my social life, I’m not sure yet. I do think that there have been fewer overweight men (and women) hitting on me lately. Most of the people who flirt with me or more are fit and/or thin. It could be that the overweight guys are invisible to me. I have that tendency. I don’t care if that’s shallow. I have no desire to feel somebody’s sweaty folds of flesh on top of me. EW! I just grossed myself out. It’s so much easier for men to lose weight, and I can’t stand a lazy man.

Alcohol and My Big Mouth

After 3 glasses of champagne and two cocktails, I determined that it would be fun to leave the dance floor and head outside to chat with the other partygoers. Why oh why do I always try to make new friends while intoxicated? I know it's not a good idea, especially because of that incessant flirting thing that happens. The only friends I can meet under those circumstances either want something from me or ate just entertained by my antics. Most of my current friends started off as the latter. I'm really fun at a party, but who knows what promises I've made and who these people are calling my phone.

Thankfully, I rarely go out alone. My club buddy this time, however, was just as much of a troublemaker as I was! We cannot be trusted together or apart. Looks like we'll need a third to be the voice of reason. Apply within. He he he
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Today's rant - Can men and women be just friends?

The question is not whether men and women can be friends. Can a straight man and a straight woman be friends and hang out one on one without one or both of them crossing the line that separates friendship from something more (or something less depending on how you look at it)? I used to think that it was possible, until I tried it. I tell you, no man in his right mind is going to spend several hours a week alone with you unless he is either gay or in love with you (or both).

If a gay man loves a woman, no harm, no foul. I've been on the receiving end of that love many times. These are some of the best friends you can have. Men have this way of remaining friends even through deceit and neglect. They may fight for a night or maybe even a week, but they eventually get over it and move on. You can't buy that. Women aren't so forgiving. I've learned so much about friendship and loyalty from men. Some of the lessons were brutal, but a person as hard-headed as me gets used to that kind of thing. I often can't admit I'm wrong until I've been broken down to my last shreds of pride and vanity.

I have more straight male friends (whom I haven't slept with or even thought of in that manner) than any woman I know. For a hotass with a wandering eye, one might wonder how this is possible. It's easy! All you gotta do is hang out in groups with boys. Boys love hanging out with each other and the token raunchy female is almost always welcome. I love Boxing and MMA. I can become quite animated while watching these matches on TV. Throw in some alcohol and you've got two shows for the price of one...seriously. You'd swear I either fought professionally myself or had money riding on it. I understand football fans because of this obsession I have with fighting. I love watching fights - professional or street. I love coaching the fighters from the couch or sideline. The rest of the world sort of fades away, and there's nothing but the fight. Crazy, huh? I feel the same way about riding with nothing but open road ahead of me - that damn accelerator just whispers my name so sweetly that I have to answer the call, but I digress.

In the beginning, you're two peas in a pod. You hop from party to party, watching each other's backs and pretty much teaming up against the world. Eventually something happens on an otherwise uneventful night, and one of you looks at the other with a little sparkle in the eye. This person you've just been combing the streets with for weeks as a platonic buddies so much more than that. How blind I've been not to notice the way the light catches your hair and forms a halo around your face. The echo of your laughter down a vacant alley sends tingles down my spine...whatever. You get my point.

It is so over!!! It can only end one of two ways: either they hook up or somebody gets their feelings hurt. I've been on both sides. However, I prefer to just put some distance between myself and the dude if I start to feel that intimate pull. He may wonder why I don't hang out so much anymore, but I just say that I'm busy or (even better) I decide to stop partying for a while. It's for the best. Trust me.

The worst that can happen is that he moves on to hanging out with someone else. Big deal. If you're really interested in being just his friend, you'll get over yourself and he'll welcome you back with open arms (remember that whole forgiveness thing). If he falls for you, he will give chase. You are in big trouble now, missy. Do you really want this? Once you cross the line, it will be changed forever and you can't go back. When you're attending his wedding (to someone else) years later, you'll be standing there wondering why you set yourself up for this crap. Prepare yourself for being a Godmother... and I'm not talking about the fun, glamorous Fairy Godmother either - I'm talking free babysitter in case of emergency. Sheesh.

But I'm not bitter...

Idle Hands are the Devil's Playground

The other night, I found myself dancing with hotness. I swear this guy has been sexy forever. In my mind I reminded myself not to do the eyelash batting thing or sneak that copulatory gaze in there. I mean, when you keep friends for 20+ years, the line has pretty much drawn itself. It doesn't matter how hot your old friends get, they are off limits. Besides, there is a whole world of available men out there to have adventures with...ones who won't go back and tell all your mutual friends about all your freaky bedroom antics. I don't care if the guy I'm dating tells his friends about me, as long as they are not my friends too. That's just a mess. I like to keep my life as drama free as possible. It's not so easy when you need to be entertained almost all the time.

So I've been thinking about this hot old friend since seeing him. It's because I'm bored with my current lover. I'm not picturing him naked or imagining places to put his lips or any of that naughtiness (although that doesn't sound so bad). To be honest, that's not how my fantasies go these days. I want more than just a good lay. I've been fortunate enough to have had some great lovers. In fact, I don't really think it's him I'm thinking of in particular, but the excitement of discovering someone new and feeling the beginnings of attraction - the butterflies, the hair standing up on the back of my neck when I know he is staring at me from across the room. I miss the instinctual part of it. I miss feeling my own tingling heat under the intense gaze of a hunter.

My fantasy is being attracted to a kindred spirit. I like to picture myself racing motorcycles against Mr. Perfect Match. We drink and gamble all night in Atlantic City. We go to the opera. We backpack through Yosemite and skinny dip in the moonlight. We challenge each other physically, emotionally and intellectually. We are so well matched that we grow together - instead of that familiar staleness that happens when most people get comfortable.

Really, it doesn't matter how sexy some guy in a bar is. I know that he's just another guy in a bar. I'll be bored with him in a few weeks, and I'll go back to slinking through the streets sniffing around for the next hint of pheromones - making some new unsuspecting egomaniac believe that I am the prey. The chase is still fun, but the resolution is so anticlimactic.

I guess I’ll just have to find my excitement elsewhere. Did I mention that I bought a new pair of roller blades yesterday? I need a new bike too – faster and sleeker with a deeper growl. Then I can get myself close to some more dangerous trouble.